I’ve been thinking again…about that stupid future which seemed so exciting…sparkling and so, sooo scary all at the same time. I’ve been thinking about pops. The reason you marry is because you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, to grow old together and take care of each other but now that mom and dad are separated…well, I mean, what then? I’ve been thinking how I don’t want the two of them to live alone by themselves. Dad doesn’t say but I know how scared he is of the idea of me and my sister having our own family. He’s afraid to be alone. He feels like mom has abandoned her and has brainwashed us in the process, feels like we’ll leave him alone in the future. Dad’s positive that my sister will be leaving to work abroad and he’s almost as certain that my little brother will not keep him when he’s old and gray. I remember holding back the tears when he told me not to abandon him partly out of sadness, partly from the enormous pressure he has unknowingly shouldered on me with his words.

Yeah, right, like anyone of us can do that.

I know how he thinks his image has been soiled in our eyes: that he’s the bad guy in the whole family drama and that’s why he’s grown so frightened that when the time comes, all of us will go to mother. He’s not, to me he’s not and I’m pretty sure it’s the same for the my sis and bro too.

I’ve been thinking…of how I don’t want him to live alone in our house when the three of us have grown independent.

I’ve been thinking on how…how I’d probably cry buckets if ever my sister leaves to work abroad which I know she will.

I’ve been thinking what decisions my brother will make in shaping his future, wondering greatly on what he desires to be in the coming years, how he’d wish to live and what sort of person he sees himself to become.

Basically, I just don’t want us to be separated any more than we are now.

Everybody’s scared of being alone aren’t they?

Maybe I’m thinking too much, possibly just scaring myself again.

I don’t think I’m appreciating everything I have right now as I should.

And that sentence doesn’t make any sense to me at all. How do you know when you’re not taking anything for granted and savoring the present just enough?

I feel mental and lost and alone.

Sunnavabitch, Here comes my sweet-solitary-self-loathing-personal-time.
 

I was telling the truth when I told mom over the phone that I was going home from our overnight stay at the apartment because I didn’t want father to be lonely with me being gone for two nights. But when I told her that it was because she left him that he’s lonely, I made it a point to make it clear to her that it was only a joke. She took it wrongly and just when she was trying to retell me their exact situation, I stopped her immediately. Yes, yes, of course I know and like I said it was only a joke.

Father tends to dive real deep to the pits of his darkest uncertainties when we’re not around, it sort of gives him a glimpse of his so believed future where we have all abandoned him.

And just when I thought she understood already, I received a message from her as soon as I reached home- something like I remind her of grandmother with her always spoiling dad and that she was lonely too and I should not be going home for such lame reasons and…

Well, that just downright stung.

More than being compared to my grandmother whom she saw in a not exactly luminous light, what hurt like teeth gnashing into raw, nerve supplied flesh was the “I’m lonely too” part…

I know that.

I’ve cried over that for countless nights already.

I don’t know how to tell her that. She made it sound like I was neglecting her pain and favoring dad and…I’m not.

It’s just that…I know she’s lonely already…I’m not going to have BOTH my parents feel forlorn. I’m just trying to do everything I can right now, to help both of them and make them feel loved, everything within my grasp. I’m not going to be subjected to all that regret again of being ignorant and powerless and just be stuck in the middle of their melancholy. I just want to be there for father while I still possibly can and not start hating myself all over again for not doing so when he’s already out of my reach, like mother.

She called an hour later because I didn’t reply, too occupied wading in my own pool of distress. I ignored her call coz I know I’d just start crying again and prolly choke on my saliva or something in that case I’ll just be to incoherent anyway and SHE will prolly just cry too.

GOD! (expression) I feel so shitty.

We figured it out.

Wiwi and I have finally figured out why, no matter how close we get, just why we would never end up with each other. Other than the fact that we’re both gay which is something that we can set aside, it’s because we’re both masochists (although I'm a bit of a sadist as well, WHAT?). It’s because we’d rather be pushed against the wall and be ravished while saying “no!”.

We like ‘em tough, the sorts to force themselves to you even when you shoo ‘em away, the similarity for our fetish was not surprising.

It sounds perverted…but we are perverted.

“And you still haven’t got your first kiss!”

“BECAUSE, I’m waiting for it to be stolen!”

I noticed the couple beside us listening to our conversation, prolly amused with the topics and at the realization that we’re not exactly a couple like them.

If I’m a push over and he’s a push over, then being together means we’d both be pushing ourselves to the wall with no one between us actually doing the pushing.

It made so much sense that we were practically the most enlightened persons on earth that precise moment.

Wiwi’s like the twin brother I never had.

And he’s like my walking blog. Things that I could not write here: I tell him.

What sort of things then? Well, prolly my dirtiest thoughts, lustful ones that embarrasses me. Other people’s ecchiness has no effect one me, the reason I can watch porn with others and watch porn by myself and talk porn is because those things are detached from me. But my OWN ecchiness, the real ones, those of a growing healthy teenager, that’s an issue.

“We’ll be attacked by zombies.”

Wiwi said as we walked down a dark alley, pointing at a grassy empty lot.

“That’s fine, we can outrun them. But running zombies…not those guys,”

“Then how about vampires?”

“YEAH! Vampires! But…they’re beautiful; it’d prolly more like US hunting THEM.”

“Well, they can suck the living daylights out of me anytime.”

“And how does one become a vampire anyway?”

And the night was spent talking about vampires. O_O No, not really.

We dropped by Ramon’s, intruded his room, played scrabble (I BEAT WIWI, HA! TAKE THAT ASSHOLE! lol), watched Ceddy/mystic powers/WEIRD, and the master of the room made us watch TAKEN which was doubly weird and I slept on his bed. Haha. Hanging out with those two reminds me of our elementary days. We noted how Jay was the only one missing.

I needed that.

I’ve been moping on my bed the whole time before Wiwi’s signal to meet.

I miss mom.

I don’t always miss her and it’s dreadful to say that sometimes, I get through the day without thinking about her. That’s why when I start missing her, I do it like crazy.

What brought me to tears was the idea that I have forgotten how it felt going home with her waiting for me, standing outside the glass door and visualizing her hazy silhouette through the curtains mopping the floor, folding clothes on the couch and wiping the sweat from her forehead.

It’s so revolting, how we’ve accustomed ourselves to living in that house without mother, even her name was taboo to speak of and when we do talk about her, we do it with hushed voices. And the fact that she’d prolly never take another a step within the house or so much as have a single glimpse of it…it’s killing me. And once again I wish I could bring back time, it reminds me of how I’ve taken advantage of her love before: thinking that we’d continue being together. I would have kissed her more, hugged her more….AH!

Always with the turn back time, always with the moooore, always with the woooouuld.

Thousands of people have lost a lot from the recent calamity and here I am, choosing to lock myself in my room and wail about the same thing that I’ve always been wailing about.

How do you make someone give a shit…when they don’t?

The Philippines, more on the metro Manila area had been devastated by typhoon Ondoy, the wind was not that threatening but it was the continuous downpour that led to the immediate rising of water, flooding the roads and submerging houses.

Our house is located in a good, high, not easily flooded place so we did not even feel a thing from Ondoy’s wrath. The water did not even reach my ankles.

“A lot of family was left homeless.”

“Oh…that’s unfortunate.”

My words rang hollow.

I blinked a couple of times and tried to say it again, albeit slowly.

“Oh…that’s unfortunate.”

I didn’t give a shit.

Their pain, even those of the people who have lost everything, I did not feel them. I could not even bring myself to sympathize or much less pity them. I was simply…

Indifferent.

It felt so cold and wrong and inhumane that I immediately asked Wiwi if I’m evil.

He smiled and shrugged and I… Am I evil?

No, not evil. Harsh.

Selfish? Insensitive?

I’m an egocentric bastard who does not care because their lives had nothing to do with me therefore I am not concerned.

How much despicable can I still get?

I would read K and Ai’s text about volunteering for help, of donating some used clothes or food and just giving a shit. And I…admired them but at the same time it made me think of what was driving them. Deep in their hearts, were they really feeling a distinct need to help, of compassion and of love? Of course they did, otherwise they would not have spent their precious hours doing it but I guess what I really meant to question was, how did that feel?

I say I am despicable.

But I don’t’ feel despicable.

Just indifferent.

I’m too taken up with thirsting for love to start handing it to others.

Ugh…I feel a slump coming.

TITLE: HAPPY BIRTHDAY ASSHOLE

AUTHOR:

renovati

GENRE: Shounen-ai

PAIRING: Kota/Yuuya

LENGTH: one-shot

SUMMARY: Oh my God. He made me a cake?

DISCLAIMER: Yabu is Yuuya’s and Yuuya is Yabu’s.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Yuuya was utterly confused.

When Yabu dragged him away from the set and the rest of JUMP, he’d been hoping his lover wanted to be along with him and share a hasty snog.

His gaze ricocheted from his lover’s handsome face, beaming at him with a glint of excitement in his eyes, to the ‘thing’ his lover was holding out to him.

“Yabu?”

Yabu’s face impossibly brightened even more.

“What? Aren’t you going to take it?”

“Er. So, what exactly is it?”

“It’s my birthday present…for you.”

“Yes. But…what exactly is ‘IT’?”

It was Yabu’s turn to be confused.

“It’s a cake.”

Yuuya’s eyebrow unconsciously took a scrutinizing arch; the steam emanating from the freshly baked cake suffocated his face: an acidic, putrid smell that made him remember the ambiance of his newly sanitized bedroom lavatory.

It was not a pleasant stench.

“Yaaaaa-bu-chaaaan,” Yuuya lovingly wrapped an arm around the copper-haired boy’s lean waist and pressed his lips on his ears: “Stop with the joke and give me my REAL present,” he said in a throaty voice, positioning his head to the hollow between the taller boy’s neck and shoulder.

In normal circumstances, his action would have sent Yabu down to his knees, melting from that single action: it was after all, his pleasant, sweet weakness that Yuuya considered as his greatest discovery in his whole life.

Yabu did not look pleased at all. His face was dangerously turning into a scowl.

“What joke?”

Yuuya was taken aback. “Ahh…” he stalled, hesitating for a moment whether what he was going to say next was a smart move or not. He seemed to be hanging at a balance of a very risky situation. “That joke,” he said, a finger pointing at what Yabu was holding in his exquisite and beautiful long fingers.

It was not.

“It’s a cake,” Yabu repeated rather sternly.

“Yabu, I’ve eaten a cake before. I know what it’s like.”

“What the hell are you going on about?”

“A cake, well, you know, it’s solid, the one you’re giving to me is…err.. liquid, like soup.”

“I said it’s a fucking cake” Yabu was angry, he shoved the pan of…brown stuff… against Yuuya’s chest, forcing the taller boy to grasp its side in surprise.

Yuuya felt like he did not deserve Yabu’s unjust fury. He was not going to step back.

“It’s fucking brown Yabu! Look at it?! It smells funny, like dog shit. No! Bigger, like cow shit. I love you but you are not going to give me cow shit for a present. I’m giving this back!”

Yabu’s face twisted into a horrified shock that switched in a split second from utter dejection to a mask of burning fury. He snatched the pan from Yuuya’s hands and gave him one final piercing look.

“Well, whatever, sorry for not making it to your taste. Happy birthday, asshole. Hope you have a fucking good day.”

“Wait, wait!” He grasped Yabu’s arm and pulled on it harshly. “You… made this?”

Yabu remained silent.

“You made me a cake for my birthday?”

“No I didn’t. I made you a motherfucking cow shit. And I can’t give it to you because it’s your motherfucking birthday.”

Yuuya felt a rush of warmth run through his insides.

Oh my God. He made me a cake?

He felt Yabu try to pry away his hold but Yuuya kept his grip firm, he was not letting him go.

Awkward silence.

“Give it to me.”

“You don’t even like it asshole.”

“You made it for me; it’s my present so give it back already.”

“I’m not making you eat fucking cow shit.”

Yuuya yanked Yabu around, catching the boy’s surprised lips that had open in the process of saying “what the h-“  and grabbing the pan from Yabu’s  softened clutch.

He pushed violently at Yuuya, gasping for air and looking venomously at the pan he had been tricked to let go off.

“GIVE MY COW SHIT BACK ASSHOLE!”

Yuuya ignored his lover’s violent response and dragged him out of the room, one hand seizing Yabu’s hand and the other holding the pan against his torso. Yabu’s vicious struggle made the brown liquid splash on his side, seeping through his shirt and uncomfortably reaching his skin.

“HEY GUYS!”

He yelled as soon as the door opened to the surprised faces of the rest of the boys.

“LOOK WHAT I’VE GOT!”

Yabu stiffened and colored tomato red to his ears as Yuuya raised the pan to his lips and chugged the... stuff , his other hand still holding Yabu’s own.

Yuuya’s face contorted into a mesh of jumbled muscles, trying to stop his gag reflex as the thick, semi-fluid texture of his cake poured down his throat and the putrid, acidic stench invaded his nose. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and pulled Yabu to his side.

“YABU MADE ME A CAKE FOR MY BIRTHDAY!”

“Dude, do you have to keep yelling like that?” Hikaru  scolded.

“You drank you’re cake?” Inoo questioned.

“Ino, make me a cake too” Chinen cooed.

“Sure, snookums.” Kiss.

“What kind of cake is drinkable?!” Dai exclaimed looking appalled.

“Yeah, it looked more like cow-“

“SHUT UP! All of you shut up! It’s a cake and Yabu made it for me.”

Yabu murmured something inaudible, thoroughly embarrassed.

“Yey, great. Happy birthday Yuuya.”

“Now you forgive me?”

Yuuya wrapped his arms around Yabu’s waist with a slithering action and pulled the boy against his torso, dipping his head to press his lips on his lover’s own in a sloppy, wet, full 2 minute kiss.

“Ack. Tastes like cow shit.”

“Don’t insult my cake. You could make me another one next time?”

“Oh, hell no.”

As a classmate and acquaintance, Jhe was one of those people whom I greet everyday and smile at but not really care for: sounds cold h-uh? But no, I mean, it’s not like we’re close or anything. She just knows me and I know her and we never really hung out and she knows shit about me and I was the same to her. We’re just classmates, two people sharing the same room. I don’t think that counts as being friends. We are acquaintances.

We WERE now.

She had her own crowd, I had mine but because we’re not around the usual cast of characters anymore, we had no choice but to come together: being assigned to the same school and all for the whole internship shit. She’s a good person, a very flamboyant girl, vulgar and strong. She says what’s on her mind, she’s practical and responsible and haughty and fun. I love her now! I learn a lot of things about her and she’s a bit surprised at how I was not the person she perceived me to be and I shared her exact sentiments.

I especially liked the way her eyes reflected genuine curiosity at knowing that I had no god. CURIOSTY. That was all there was. No you-are-going-to-hell-for-sure split of second facial twist or that what kind of upbringing were you exposed to (?)

Liking her was easy. 

I don’t know what happened, I can’t really recall but for some reason, I feel very comfortable around her and feel like I can tell her anything.

-the same goes for the two Chem majors I never actually met before, not even a vague remembrance of seeing their faces at school. Red and Roxy. Those two crazy son-of-bitches. Lol. I love them so much. I was avoiding them at first, considering that I’m not really a conversation starter and how I find nothing of interest in common with them. I’m only friendly and all at cosplay conventions and with people who smell OTAKU AND GAY people of course…and children…and old folks. (?)

Wha-?

Red is the only one amongst them who understand my wanting to be a man to be with another man carnal desire. Haha. He finds it amusing but surprisingly not weird. Jhe agrees that I and my sister are new breeds of sexuality. I’m mucho flattered. XD

Roxy is this great, big, authentic, Twilight Fan. And I think a lot of my friends already know how much I am an anti-coodies-vampire-cheesy-lame-twilight-stephanie-has-nothing-against-rowling-edward-should-hook-up-with-jacob-not-very-clever-passes person. It gave me the shivers at first, hearing Jhe (who was also a fan) and Roxy talk about how Edward this and Bella that and Woooow!

Imagine me, sitting there, listening to all that.

Imagine how I smile and nod and say in a very low voice: “Oh, I’m not a fan.”
 

But I’ve come to appreciate it now, Twilight.

I’m a whole lot less venomous now. In fact, I think I’m no longer venomous at all.

Roxy told me that whenever she’s depressed, all she had to do was open the book and read a few lines or chapters and her spirit would be immediately be uplifted. She talks about everything Twilight with a beaming smile that reached her eyes and a sing-song voice. She’d be enveloped in an emanating sheet of soft glow if one looked at her in a different layer of reality.

And I was like…hey, anything that can make a person as happy as this could not be bad?! How the hell can I talk shit about something that can move a person to bliss, something that can hoard a person distress? Something that can do that cannot be CRAP? That’s a freaking awesome feat: just like how One Piece does to me. Maybe I can’t and will never be able to understand what they found so appealing in that book (and I’m sure that’s how it is with them, and me and One Piece too) but that doesn’t matter so long as they’re happy with it.

One Piece

EPIC.

One Piece is EPIC! In what dimension of imagination and creativity does Oda-sensei tow all that ingenious storyline from?! The man is a freaking jewel. The update was sick: revelations flew everywhere and everyone in OP forums are itching to see Mihawk in action, Garp’s answer to his dilemma, the new nakama, Ace’s fate, Bon-chan’s fate, Dragon’s arrival, Sunny’s arrival, Mugiwara-reunion, war outcome and on and on goes the never ending list. OP forums are clamoring with anticipation on what Luffy can actually do in the battle. And I can only be relieved at WB charging Marco to protect Luffy.

CHANGE

The only thing constant in life is CHANGE.

Yes, change, fucking change.

I’m freaking terrified by the thought of it.

I’m not very clever and I’ve been thinking of something smart to say about the whole thing but I only have air in my head and nothing’s insightful and inspiring has struck me.

Just that-

Roxy and the gang, they gave me this sticker, heart sticker and we were supposed to attach it to our phones: like those friendship insignias in anime. I love them and cannot refuse. And now there’s this blue spotted heart sticker attached at the screen of my phone and…

Well, my dull-looking phone looks…adorned with this cute lil sticker and… my mind is fighting over removing it because it feels so…foreign. But it reminds me of how warm I felt about being given this…it made me feel needed, the thought of which is something that helps me get by through day-to-day living: being needed, making someone smile and other’s inferiority.

I hate how am I’m always being half-assed with my emotions.

I’m so fail.

But just because of that tiny sticker, my phone felt so alien now, like it was not the same one I’ve been using for the past months. Whether the change was for the better or not, I can’t tell. I don’t know. I can’t wrap my mind around it but I feel like this is trying to tell me something critical about my personality. It’s staring me in the face but I’m so fail.

MERRY

Yes, not a lot of my mugiwara crew knows that my favorite character of all time in One Piece is Going Merry. I can’t seem to pick one or any single character (with arms and legs) from the anime but my heart goes all out for Merry. I love them all, not equally but because I feel like we belong on the same boat, one big happy crew, choosing just one of them is a betrayal to the feelings of the other nakamas.

<--psycho

And wait…I just realized that because One Piece is my all time fave anime/survival-motivate, then Going Merry holds the number one spot and answer to the question Who is your favorite anime character?- that I was never able to answer before: UNTIL NOW.

T_T

I feel so overwhelmed right now.

MERRRRRYYYYY!!!

And yes, I got Merry for 300 which was supah high savings. We also bought other items for very low prices c/of Sempai Jocy who had this enormous gold, devil fruit shaped heart. She reserved Merry for at least two months, others had been bidding on her with higher prices but she held unto Merry for us. Huhu. I love her so much. She’s like a saint to me now, with Oda being the god, of course. She only revealed much of the other OP merchandise at our arrival which surprised her other OP hunter/buyers and from which we snatched all the goodies away. The items were authentic and rare and did I mention sold in mucho LOW PRICES? MUCHO LOW PRICES.

I love you sempai!

LAST WILL

As I was cleaning my room, I came across this yellow paper tucked under my bed, looking all moldy and crap. It was my last will. Ohmagad. The revised version. Haha. It was to be opened upon my death, see how much the future bothers me? It’s addressed to my KRUVZ. The letter, it reminded me how much I love them and just how precious they are to me.

I am so fortunate.

“Love is all very well in its way, but friendship is much higher. Indeed, I know nothing of the world nobler or rarer than true friendship.”

-Water-rat (The Devoted Friend by Oscar Wilde)

MERRY. It rocks back and forth like riding the waves when you switch on the magic button.

Sanji and Zoro, lol, PERFECT. it's like FATE, really. Almost made me believe in FATE. Now we have three puppets, plus Chopper.

Jango was for 50 pesos which was WWWWOOOOW. It's in perfect condition and good quality. XD

I'll post the others next time, like the Zoro lunch Box. Amazing! These days, we don buy anything anime that's not ONE PIECE. MONOPOLYYYY!!!

 

I watched Bink’s Sake in the hopes of uplifting my mood, like it always does when I sing it whilst feeling down, but I unthinkingly played the version sung by the Rumbar Pirates. I had to excruciatingly go over Brook’s wretchedness all over again: contrasted by the happy, singing faces of the Mugiwara crew. T-T I love you so much Brook. Once again, welcome to the family! Among the rest of the crew, I think he has the most ill-fated past, losing every single one of his family, witnessing them fall one by one along with their promised reunion to Laboon: The Rumbar Pirates who can even make a crying child laugh, and 8 years of desolation alone on their ruined ship floating aimlessly in the florian triangle, with nothing (not even his own flesh) but his memory of their happy days together and their crumbling bones. T____T  Gawd, I remember wailing at this particular episode, Brook’s past, tears as plenty and as heartrending with those I shed for Chopper and Merry.

--->suddenly devastated

*If you want to join my crew, all I ask is that you love music!*

*Don’t matter who you are, someday you’ll just be bones!*

*Laboon! We will definitely return here!*

*Wait for us!*

Oda-san, I love you.

-          - - - -

I think I have stalled for long enough after facing an unexpected yet a bit shamelessly wished for confession. I didn’t think it would really come though and even with all that eagerness to hear it, I sat there stupefied, not knowing what to say, think nor feel.

Mental. Absolutely mental.

(Wait, why am I listening to Ultraman while writing this entry? So..unromantic? But powerful! I feel like topping the test tomorrow! And singing! Rising up to kill all those worthless, scum, bad guys! AND POSSIBLY TURNING INTO A GUY!)

The mood is completely ruined: I have talent for this kind of stuff.

Processing.

Changing topic.

O_O

Topic changed.

CHINEN

I love Chinen. I am claiming him! I AM MAKING MY CLAIM ON CHINEN! I HAVE NEVER FELT SO PASSIONATE INTO MAKING SOMEONE BELONG TO ME.

It’s not the romantic love kind; it’s more like an I-want-him-to-be-always-right-by-my-side-slave-going-home-dead-tired-only-to-see-him-bound-and-gagged-on-my-bed-or-wearing-an-apron-with-cute-bunny-patterns-cooking-dinner-to-greet-his-master kind of love. The child, yes, child, is as gem. Like, I want to make love to him but as a guy. O_O He is absolutely sparkling in my eyes, so pure, fresh and edible. Once again I am reminded of how much I want to be a man and ravage another man. I feel so exceptionally perverted towards him, almost shamefully lusting over the boy and the fact the he’s barely fifteen makes my skin tingle. Guahahaha.

Life

And E has given birth last Aug 7, man, I’m so happy for her, I’ve always wanted to have a child and here my best friend’s beat me to it. The truth is, I got kinda annoyed of her for taking thy-accursed-pills-to-stop-thy-pregnancy. As a bio maj, I know it’s got to have some negative bearing upon the child, if not crippled then much worse, maybe mental retardation or cardiovascular setbacks. When I was told this, I practically stopped breathing for five seconds and told her how bad it sounded. I mean, yes, I’m scared and I’ve never felt this necessity to suddenly conjure up my own God and pray…plead even, sounds like something I’d do in the face of Armageddon. But no one is must be more frightened for the child than the mother, what I feel will never compare and I’d never want to see her hurt. She said she’s ready for the consequences of what she has done and that the child will be accepted and loved no matter what but she will never me exempt from the misery that will follow no matter how anticipated it has become. For all the expectancy she has, there must exist that little bit of hope, a spark, that everything will be alright: and when there is hope, there is mighty disappointment and soul-eating regret. Shit. But we’ll be there, even if she doesn’t need us or our help, we’ll always be there for her. DATTE! ORETACHI WA FAMIRY DATTE BAYO!

On Pheromones

Yes, I feel like I’ve been unnecessary releasing unwanted pheromones coz in one night, four people confessed to me which is what the fuck ? ? ?  That was creepy. I heard things like that should make one feel better but more than being appreciative of their feelings and having that burning flame of self-confidence, I’m shocked and frightened and at some point even disgusted, because they don’t even know me. They prolly thought I was this bouncing little girl full of rainbow, happiness and humor inside. And dates?! I don’t do dates. I’ll be forced to smile and giggle and make jokes and laugh at their jokes and be nice and glowing. I’m not. Socializing is hard for me unless I’m interested in the person and in their cases, I can’t see a common point and whatthehelltalkingabout thiskindofstuffisreallybotheringmesolet’sendithere.

And crap, whatever, if there is no common topic to talk about, I tend to keep silent and have these beautiful yaoi thoughts storming in my head. So unless they talk to me, I won’t.

And oooh-

J’s case was different. I was, at his confession, fascinated and bewildered and confused and light-headed which was dangerous. I tend to get caught up in the spur of the moment. The shapeless emotions I felt then made me frightened of myself and so I hid from him: literally avoided him till my palpitations vanished. I cannot be giving in now. I have promises to keep to mum and dad and dreams to realize for myself. Classic old I want to stay single shit but it’s so not a drama.

I’m obnoxious and jealous and selfish and possessive and pessimistic. He’s made me jealous a thousand times in the span of his 4o mins conversation with wiwi my dear, even though we’re not together, and that must make me unreasonable and mental. I wanted him to be happy, told him no, but don’t want him to move on. Ugh…I’m so despicable.

He’s starting school next semester and will prolly meet with new people; I hope he finds the crowd he’s been looking for and someone to make him happy. I’ll probably end up growing bitter and resentful of myself yet again but I guess I’m gonna be fine.

Ugh…I’m getting this creepy feeling again.

Fight!

No, I don’t love him.

I can’t say I do.

That’s something I can’t see myself saying to someone for whatever romantic reason anytime soon.

But I don't want him to move on to loving someone else like he told me. I talk to my friend about him with a sense of pride. I got jealous a thousand folds over that little conversation he had with Wiwi had on the bus. If I were to be made to choose someone to be with right now, I can’t think of anyone else but him.

When he told me about what happened to him back in Texas, it made me feel…special? Like he was telling me something he would not tell any other soul. And usually, those kind of stories sends me to a –degraded-you-are-all-high-and-righteous-mode but I only thought his past cool and scary and awesome and aaah…so that must have contributed a lot to who you are right now.

So, what does that mean?

O_O

It’s mental. I’m missing something important. Everything seems to be pointing out to the fact that I like him. But something’s wrong.

I’m so gay.

- - - - -

Quartet.

Trio.

Duetto…

Solo…

Ugh…Brook’s playing the accompaniment… T-T

“Why leaving just the accompaniment…?”

-          - - - -

Nways, here is a picture of MIHAWK, PORTRAIT OF PIRATES DELUXE.

MAJOR DELUXE.

My heart started doing funny flips when I saw this, I mean, I dunno, Brook was there but for some reason, Mihawk was the one who caught my attention. I mean…C’MON! IT’S FUCKING MIHAWK??!! Just the coolest, most enticing, sexy, bastard SHICHIBUKAI around??!! Jay bought it for me as a gift and fuck! Weeh! And he just had to ask if I’m happy! Lol. I was pretty certain I became the happiest existence on earth at that precise moment when the man handed Mihawk to me in that precious box.



I let this one go. T_T


Ao's smexy torso is overwhelming...but Mihawk's torso is just as hot...and showing. XD


Wiwi with the Origami  I made from TokyoTokyo tissue.


Ladies and gentlemen...backstroke. We originally thought it was dead. O_O


Kua Jojo: Kubori Kikiam. Imagine my surprise after hearing the kikiam say "OI, KIM ako to" after hugging him like crazy. He always surprises me that way, like with the MASK and Marvin the Martian. lol.

-          - - - -

My sister’s joining…or was forced to join this beauty pageant, Mr. and Ms. Manila Doctors! Yey. No, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Funny, really. She’s better off as the Emcee and she knows it as well. And because she is my sister, meaning to say that my personality is a mirror of hers, she’s going to cosplay out of not wanting to be conventional and boring. We commissioned Jemire. Yes, Jemire. One of those people I am most comfortable with, and he was just too happy to accept in the expense of eating my home made onigiri. It was our first time to meet outside a convention or EB because I was always refusing all the other times he asked me out. We ate at Chowking and discussed about my sister’s costume which is a secret for now. HE WAS AMAZING! A TRUE COSPLAYER. Man, we would have never survived in Divi and bought the right materials without him. He discussed to us in full detail how each and every bit of the costume was going to be made. And then he brought us to the wig store and we bought one that looked like lady gaga’s. haha. We were teasing my sister with ‘ma-ma-ma-ma.”….er go figure.

And she’s dancing YOUR SEED for the talent portion, I thought her the moves and hell, I’m going to be her back-up even. Lol. FULL SUPPORT!

-          - - - -

I remember during my second year in high school, having two student teachers that seemed to me like two nervous creeps with loads of colorful and unnecessary visual aids talking about things in front of our class that they only memorized and looking incredibly idiotic. I’ve never taken a liking to any of them.

And man, that only seemed like yesterday and now I’m the one doing it: creepy student teaching. I wonder if the students see me the same way I did ST’s then. I suppose not though, probably…hopefully?

HA! Imagine me, a bum, teaching. Scary. The thing is, I am a lazy bum who’d rather slack off and spend the entire day sleeping but I don’t and because I have to do this no matter how much I don’t want to, I do it and I know that I’m doing good. But the first thing I made sure of on the first day of my class was to let them know that I am an otaku. I never wanted to be one of those conventional professors with their ‘good morning teacher’ and ‘goodbye, thank you for teaching us’ sorts, everyone was doing it already. I got bored of it when I was the one doing it so why the hell would I do it as well. So I changed it to ‘konnichiwa, sensei’ and ‘mata ne’. Now everyone calls me sensei and greets me with konnichiwa or mata ne or a word they made up that they desperately try to sound like Japanese. And I’ve always dreamed of doing that.

The image I wanted to uphold was not the I-am-your-teacher-bow-to-me-all-pinnacle-of-knowledge-thou-shall-not-disrespect-me-façade. I wanted to be seen as a friend. And friends do not disrespect each other. Now whenever a bit of noise escapes those can’t help it, majority of the class makes them ‘wag nga kayung maingay, nagtuturo si ma’am eh’. It’s cute when they try to impress me. It’s cute when those that didn’t seem to care at first are now the ones who are eagerly answering to try and get my interest and as compensation, I try to memorize their names and they beam at me when I call it.

I always make sure my examples include anime or gaming in it, like in phagocytosis, with majin buu or with cross-section with Himura. Not only does it make the topic easier for them to relate to but it’s one hell of motivation. HELL. They always seem to be waiting for me to talk about something related to anime or Japanese culture. I’ve thought them how to create chakra, the three types of Jutsu, butterfly technique, how to make Japan # 2 etc. It was fun for them and even more for me, talking about the things I love and seeing them be appreciated.

It’s true that a professor must never practice FAVORITISM. It’s also true that a professor can’t help but develop favoritism. It all boils to keeping it to yourself and not letting your style get affected: not letting it show.

And the things I never seemed to be able to get when studying, even if it was for Ma’m G….HA. I can mold them into being with my eyes closed. Like my critique teacher, who is also an otaku and which lead him to calling me being his student teacher DESTINY, says, “Anu bang natutunan mo sa kanila? Wala. Sayo lahat yan. Schema lang binigay sayo ng mga nyan. Ikaw ang magtuturo sa sarili mo ng lahat ng yan sa oras na sumalang ka na. Dahil wala ka ng magagawa.”

How true. O_O

I’m starting to get the hand of this Student Teaching thing….or of teaching for the matter, slowly; I’m starting to love it more and more because of my students. It’s very tiring, very draining of both mind and body and sometimes morale but by the end of the day, when I hear a voice calling out with ‘sensei’ or ‘mata ne’ and knowing it refers to no one else but me, I begin to realize that it’s all worth it.

The one thing that I love so much that I must absolutely not mention is…*cough* of course, YAOI. I gave the kids my FS (cell no. are forbidden though) and by the nexy day, they were asking me:

“Sensei, why is your primary a pic of two boys kissing?”

How the hell was I supposed to answer that?

Haha.

I gave them a smile and that was the end of that.

Oh, how I wish to teach them all about the magic the one-word YAOI contained. I can’t. I can’t, dammit.

Truth is, I’d rather go back to school and study as a student. That’s less exhausting. When you’re a student, choosing not to study over studying is easy: something I could decide upon with a blind eye. But now, I freaking can’t do that coz this time around, my grades is not the only thing in line and worrying isn’t limited to me any longer. I have to think about my students and what I’m going to teach them. As a teacher, they’d easily believe anything I say and fart, I wouldn’t want to lead them to the path of misguided facts. Ho ho ho. Whatever. Lol. I can’t believe I’m actually talking about this.

*this entry is long enough: an accumulation of random thoughts over the past months. There’s a lot more to say like how I got MERRY for 300 and many more for LUGAW but that’d have to wait. XD

final picture of LOVE.

 *sizzle*

TITLE: WORSHIP’S DOWNFALL IS PRIDE (PART 1)

AUTHOR: renovati 

PAIRING: Kota/Yuuya

GENRE: Shounen-ai. (Angst? Is this angst? Does this count as angst?)

DISCLAIMER: BOYS Not mine. Plot Mine.

SUMMARY: The least I can do is stop agonizing over Yuuya.

 - - - - -

“I am not good at this.”

“You don’t have to be, stupid.”

Kota shut his eyes, feeling a migraine coming soon and desperately wishing it to come as well, so hard that it’ll overpower the nagging thoughts eating him up.

“What do I do, Dai-chan?” he asked, regretting the pathetic tone with which his words have come out.

A deep silence hang over them and stretched out across the entire expanse of the empty dressing room. They had come a bit early for the shoot and Kota, who had been kept awake by certain amorous thoughts, decided to get help in the form of Dai-chan’s advice.

“Well, first off, you could accept the fact that you’re gay?”

Deadpan. At the back of his mind, he supposed his should not have asked for his help at all.

Kota gave him a blank look. “Who’s gay?”

“YOU ARE, asshole.” Dai-chan said, looking appalled.  “You want him don’t you?”

“Well, yeah, I want him,” he clutched his air with an air of extreme anxiety, which looked hurtful in Dai-chan’s opinion. “But it’s not like I want anybody else but him! It isn’t GAY!”

“Okay, then what the hell do you suppose it is?”

“IT IS LOVE!” he proclaimed with utter conviction, arms raised towards the heaven as if pleading for angel’s blessing.

Kota felt a numbness at the back of his head as Dai-chan struck him with his open plam, almost as soon as the words left his lips.

“KOTA! Do you have any idea how cheesy you sound right now?!!!”

Kota, who was still massaging the spot where Dai-chan had hit him, actually knew how cheesy and unYABU-like he sounded but for some reason he cared not one bit. All he knew was that he felt an undeniable desire blossoming from the pit of his gut, growing almost impossibly fast and gripping every sense and control and rational he had on his body. It wasn’t torture, he was enjoying every bit of it, a feeling he had never felt before, something that was absent from the previous relationships, which did not last long anyway, he had before.

Kota was in love.

Unmistakably, unconditionally, unquenchably, unexplainably in love.

“Look, you’re probably the coolest guy around here, even cooler than me, the kids look up to you, YOU are our respectable, model onii-chan~,” here, the onii-chan~ part was spoken in a tiny, Chinen-impersonated tone. “Don’t go scaring the kids off with this random shit about being in love okay? You’re being too…fluffy? Too fluffy for Yabu Kota.”

Dai-chan’s words hurt a little.

“And to think I wanted to seek your advice.”

“Hey.” Dai-chan added almost immediately. “THIS, is me helping you, man.”

The last thing he was worried about right now was his image.

But he considered Dai-chan’s propositions. He was right, in a sense. He was one of the coolest guys on JUMP. There was the cute type like Chinen; the sexy ones, Inoo; the enigmatic sort, Dai-chan; the naughty, Morimoto and Hikaru; the princely, Yamada; the adorable, Yuto and…

And then there was Yuuya.

Lightning had something to do with bad weather and clouds, electricity and flooding of particulate charges in the heavens but in Kota’s case, it was something that surged throughout his body every time his thoughts fall on Yuuya: the kind of lightning that did not rumble on, the sort which rips his soul in two. It was always surprising, but the feeling was not condemned. It reminded him of how much and how true and how he can’t fight what had struck him.

No, he was not gay. Gay, or a homosexual, technically, was a boy attracted to other boys or JUST boys for that matter: for the male physique, a preference for that sturdy stuff all boys are made with. But Kota, ever the considerate Kota, always open to others idea, tried visualizing himself and Inoo and things like kissing…the images inside his head never went beyond their faces resting five inches apart from each other, any closer would have resulted to him puking in front of everybody.

FAIL.

He tried visualizing with Chinen, if he was going to kiss a man, he thought, it would be Chinen, he looked girly enough anyway.

FAIL.

He was not gay.

In a word, he was, YUUYASEXUAL.

Er.

The suggestion gave him the chills. He was starting to believe that he was the romantic sort and it was disturbing. He was, dangerously, turning out into what seemed to be, in the perspective of fans and of the greater twisted community with which majority of their fans belonged to, the type which almost always tries to pair the members of JUMP into awkward, affectionate situations as justified by those sort of stories that were product of their twisted minds…an uke. He was starting to turn out into an UKE.

Kota was anything but Uke.

He was seme, too cool to be an uke.

“DAI-chan!” he shrieked in a panicky sort of voice that was not uke-like at all, he vindicated at the back of his mind.

“Stop shrieking!”

“Dai-chan, dai-chan.”

“What now?”

Momentary confusion and hesitation.

“Uh, let’s kiss.”

It was Dai-chan’s turn to give a blank look.

“Damnit Kota. I hate these kinds of jokes. I’m straight as a board! Don’t try bending me over!” Dai-chan made a move to leave but Kota pulled him down with a yank.

“No, listen. If it’s you, then maybe I can do it.”

Because you’re a bit of an uke, a resisting, stubborn, arrogant, uke that will melt under my skillfu technique in kissing.

“Go kiss Chinen! He’s the girly one!”

“You said, you’d help me.”

“Ohhh, no, no, no. It’s not going to work Kota. It has nothing to do with that anymore. This is an entirely different shit. I’ve done my part, now you go confess to Yuuya or something!”

Dai-chan, despite his great effort to hide his embarrassment and shock, was failing at it and looking horrified. Kota liked the way he looked helpless under his stare which was seriously focusing on Dai-chan’s lips.

“If you’re straight then it doesn’t matter. It wouldn’t be a kiss. It’d be just two lips touching, an empty, dry, touching of lips. You’re not even supposed to mind it coz you’re straight and there’s nothing in it for you.” Kota tried to sound convincing.

Dai-chan was not convinced at all.

He violently tried to escape Kota’s grasp which was locked on a death grip. There was a manic look in his eyes.

“JUST CONFESS! Don’t channel your frustration on me! I’m seriously going to punch you man!” Dai-chan was turning hysterical.

“I can’t! I don’t know what I’ll do if he rejects me, which he probably will, by the way.”

“Confess and be rejected or keep your little secret to yourself and boil. Your choice. Better to be rejected than be suspended in a vague position Kota. At least, if you get rejected, you’d have reason to move on. And besides, there is always the chance that he’d accept your feelings.”

“Naw…even if he’s gay, he’s prolly unto the pretty puppy-like, like Chinen or Morimoto…”

“I bet he probably will, man. Just confess! It’ll all be okay after you confess, ne?”

Kota got up to his full height, his hand still gripping Dai-chan’s wrist, his eyes seemed to be shrouded with a thin mist as his mind tried to wrestle with confusion.

“And what’s the point in kissing me anyway?!”

The point was, Kota thought to himself, his gaze falling over Dai-chan’s pinkish, supple lips which did not look enticing to him at all, the point was that he refused to be dominated. He loved Yuuya but the fact that he was the only one feeling so strongly, that he was the only one secretly stealing glances and wishing for things that were impossible to happen deeply hurt his pride. His obsession was turning him into a completely different person, something he had not completely realized until just now with the aid of Dai-chan.

This is the seme way of thinking; he managed to affirm between thoughts.

The point of the whole thing was that he refused to appear weak in front of Yuuya.

I can play around as well.

Kota got up to his full height, towering over Dai-chan and catching a punch the struggling boy had attempted to break his nose with, wrapped an arm around a slender waist and locked Dai-chan in a tight embrace.

The least I can do is to stop agonizing over Yuuya.

His free hand held Dai-chan’s face, raising it forcefully and staring at it for a second. He felt defiance coursed through his whole body and fought it.

I will not be a faithful martyr in a nonexistent relationship.

He dipped his head and pressed his lips on Dai-chan’s own tense and rebellious ones. It was a sloppy sort of kiss. In fact, it wasn’t a kiss at all. It was just two lips touching, an empty, and dry, touching of lips. He felt nothing save for hurt and a tad bit of disgust. He made it a point to apologize to Dai-chan after it was over and to let him hit his face as hard as he can.

But for now, he tried to mend his own hurting with this false sense of pride.

And then it flooded him, thoughts of Yuuya: wounding ones, Yuuya showing him a picture of this really cute girl he had met, Yuuya feeding Chinen, Yuuya rejecting his offer to hang out…

Kota softened the kiss, his facial muscles sliding into a much relaxed expression, nibbling on Dai-chan’s lower lip, sucking on them and implanting smaller kiss on the sides of his mouth. He felt Dai-chan’s tension slip, he remained unresponsive but Kota could have sworn to hear him moan, a deep, guttural moan.

He released his hold on Dai-chan whose hands had unconsciously clutched on his shirt for support, creasing it in the process. He was melting under Kota’s skillful kiss. 

“YOU SPINE-LESS, UNWORTHY, SON-OF-A-BITCH.”

Kota froze mid-kiss, eyes suddenly wide-open. Lightning had struck him: the sort that had nothing to do with bad weather and clouds, electricity and flooding of particulate charges in the heavens but everything to do with the one that always surged throughout his body whenever he hear Yuuya’s voice.

The kind of lightning that did not rumble on, the sort which rips his soul in two.

Nothing can be more clichéd than a fake kiss being interrupted by the true subject of love, a classic turn of events ripped from the panels of a shoujo manga.

Shit.

The first thing that came to his mind was to proclaim his undying love to Yuuya, thought better of it and pulled Dai-chan closer to his body, as if they could be any closer, in one reflexively move. It scared him, the look on Yuuya-s face, he seemed madly enraged. For all his anxiety at seeing this whole new side of Yuuya, he had not taken into consideration the fact that the boy had no reason to be so. He rarely got mad but as Morimoto always say, nothing was scarier than a furious, fierce Yuuya.

Dai-chan looked twice as horrified as when Kota suggested kissing him.

“Y-yuuya!”

Yuuya walked over to them, breaking their embrace and pushing Kota so hard that he hit the wall in a rather loud THUD.

Kota felt his back numbing from the pain of the impact.

Yuuya paid no heed to his painful moan which was more hurtful than the crash itself. He grabbed Dai-chan by the neck of his shirt and pulled on him with a force that almost yanked the boy from the ground.

“What is the meaning of this?” Yuuya demanded in a grave tone: a manner that did not need to raise the volume in order to feel that one was dangerously homicidal.

“It’s not what it looks like.” Dai-chan stammered. He tried to pull off and desperately failed.

“It looked like kissing to me. If it’s not that then what hell is it?”

Kota watched the exchange between the two confusedly. It was almost as if they were…? Realization hit him, along with shame and guilt and frantic regret.

“How could you do this to me Arioka?!” Yuuya’s voice was accusing.

Kota flinched. Dai-chan looked hurt and it was all because of him. He had ruined everything for them.

 He rushed towards Dai-chan’s side and grabbed Yuuya’s arms.

“Put him down.” Kota said, almost inaudibly.

Yuuya and Dai-chan…

He winced at how his voice trembled, summoned his strength and repeated what he said in a louder voice. “Put him down Takaki.”

Yuuya paid him no attention and continued with glaring at Dai-chan.

“This is a misunderstanding Yuuya, I-“ stammered Dai-chan.

“I kissed him first.” Kota said in what he hoped to be was helping the situation.

Yuuya winced, freed his left hand and pushed Kota away. “This has nothing to do with you Yabu.”

A deep, flesh-eating pain ate at his heart and Kota felt his eyes despicably start to water. He had imagined this happening countless of times, this was exactly what he had anticipated to transpire on his confession but now that it was too real, regardless of what the situation was, he felt wounded.

In fact, this was almost as good as any rejection he could ever imagine.

“-msorry”

“What?”

Everything was suddenly so perplexing. The conviction and fortitude with which he kissed Dai-chan with had been long gone at the sound of Yuuya’s familiar voice. Things were always so unsure whenever it comes to Yuuya, always so beyond his league.

“I said I’m…sorry.”

Every word was like acid sliding down his throat in a sulfuric, acerbic, cutting fashion. It was suddenly so hard to speak without his eyes stinging and his vision blurring.

He felt like such a fool.

*to be continued…

-----

Err. This vas supposed to be a one-shot, I have no idea how it ended up being two part.

TITLE: Fiction Fascination

AUTHOR:

renovati

GENRE: SHOUNEN-AI
PAIRING: Inoo/Chinen and a lotsa other pairings. JUMP turned gay.

DISCLAIMER: NONE! JUMP is not mine.

SUMMARY: “Yuuya ain’t trying to devour me.”

- - - - -

Italics are for conversations going on between the rest of the JUMP as Inoo and Chined settled things out.

- - - - -

Morimoto sighed a deep, thoughtful sigh.

 Inoo had marched through the door with heavy steps, dropping his satchel to the ground and proceeding to berate Chinen, currently sitting on Yuuya’s lap, who automatically switched to defense mode. They had been fighting for almost ten minutes now and the practice went to a total halt. He rolled his eyes on Keito who was looking at him with a funny expression. They knew how the brawl was going to end. These kinds of fights were already a routine for the Inochii couple ever since they started dating, something the rest of JUMP supported.

They had rather Chinen ended up with one of them than any other UNDESERVING, UNCUTE, FRILLY GIRL. Anyone who can’t measure up to Chinen’s out of-this-world-beauty did not deserve the boy, it was a crime to even attempt to think of possessing him and obviously, only one of them can pass the said requirement.

In JUMP’s case, it was Inoo.

“Stop sitting on other’s lap!”

“WHAT?!”

“And stop talking about Ohno-kun!”

“WHY?”

“Ohno this, Ohno that, the hell, then you should have just hooked up with the damned A.RA.SHI!”

“ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME?!”

Silence.

“WHAT?! NO!”

“You were the one who kept flirting with Kota during *Mayonaka no Shadow Boy!”

“It was a damn joke! It was for the fans!”

“It was a damn joke alright” Kota verified in a dead tone, raising his head from the book he was reading.

“Yeah, well, it was still flirting.”

“It is not!”

“Is too!”

“Is too!” Dai-chan jeered.

“And Yuuya!”

“Yuuya?! What about Yuuya?!”

“Yeah, what about me?” Yuuya voiced out, shocked at his name being involved in the cat fight, his opinion unnoticed by the cats.

Chinen put his hands on his waist.

“What the hell? You’ve been reading fan fictions again??! You were reading again, weren’t you?!”

Blush.

Inoo backed a few steps, his left hand clutching the shirt above his heart as if Chinen’s words were arrows through his chest.

“Was not!”

“Stop reading those things! Those’re written by crazed fans who have nothing better to do than conjuring things up with their messed up, fantasy-engineered mind! They’re a bunch of drooling maniacs! Fangurls are insane! They could make up a story on anything! E-even **Gackt and-and Keanu Reeves?!”

“What? Really? They’re that good?!” Dai-chan gasped.

“S-stop badmouthing our fans!”

“So you WERE reading.”

“I-I have no choice, Mika forced me to read it.”

Chinen’s eyebrow shot up.

“Mika?”

“My classmate. It was for reference. She’s nobody. Stop giving me that look.”

“So what happened in the fanfic?”

“Well…”

“Let’s hear it.”

“…you love me and I confessed to you but I got dumped. That hurt you know! I was crying when you left me and took Yuuya’s offer to walk home together. But then Yuuya tried to devour you-“

A rather loud,” WHAT THE FUCK”, echoed from a distance. The voice sounded a lot like Yuuya’s.

“-saved you from the pervert-“

“PERVERT??!!” Yuuya tried to shake off Morimoto who was struggling to hold back Yuuya’s attempt to pound Inoo.

 “-and you hugged me, glad that I came for you and then you said you couldn’t bear being touched by anyone but me. But then, even when we were together, all you keep talking about is Ohno-kun. My birthday is coming up, I invited you over and Ohno-kun invited you over too and…It makes me furious to think that you’ll be leaving me alone on my birthday and spend the night playing videogames with him…”

“Ugh…typical yaoi plot.” Yuto glowered. “Always with the rape scene.”

“What? You read fan fictions?” Kota inquired.

“Uh…yeah. I read this one about Ryo-chan and me. Yuuya tried to devour me too.”

“I HEARD THAT NAKAJIMA! DAMNIT!” Yuuya yelled.

“What happened then?”

“The fic was unfinished. Mika said she’d release the next chapter on Thursday, after our exam.”

Silence.

“Those things aren’t true you know. Yuuya ain’t trying to devour me-“

“Why am I always the third party? Ryo-chan suits the role perfectly! Better than me, in fact. And do I look like some pervert who runs on libido alone?”

“Well, apparently, the fans think so. They’re never wrong about these kinds of things.” Yuto urged on.

“OH YEAH?! C’mere, I’ll devour you like no fan’s ever think of.”

“HEY!” Ryo-chan interfered; walking over to protect Yuto from Yuuya’s stretched out arms. “You go devour someone else!”

JUMP fell into an ineffable silence.

“And Ohno-kun’s never invited me over.”

“And that thing about loving me?” Inoo, whispered.

“That’s the exception.”

“And-“

“-and I can’t bear being touched by anyone but you,”  Chinen added helpfully, walking closer to Inoo and closing the distance between them.

“Now can we get back to practice?” Hikaru, who was picking his nose, called out.

“WHAT RYO?! Now you’re acting like you want to devour Nakajima,” Yuuya who was only teasing, got the second shock of his life (the first was Chinen confessing to Inoo in front of everyone) when Ryo-chan blushed deep red to the ears. “What the hell?”

“R-ryo-chan...actually I-“ Nakajima stammered.

JUMP DID get to finish their practice. By the next day, the shooting of Your Seed, Chinen’s make-up artist berated him for not taking care of himself properly and being bitten my a legion of mosquitoes as he tried to cover up a number of red marks on the boy’s neck and chest with layers upon layers of foundation. The artist tried to put anti-itch cream but Chinen said they weren’t itchy at all.

The funny thing was…

Nakajima’s own make-up artist was howling about the same thing.

And for some reason, Ryo-chan seemed to be smiling a lot.

Morimoto sighed a deep, thoughtful sigh. Ever since the fight, he was keenly aware that Keito’s gaze never left him alone.

“Oh boy…” He muttered as Keito stood up and started walking towards him with a rather enticing grin.

FIN.

- - - - -
*Refer to The Making of Mayonaka no Shadow Boy (special thanks to nenemaru-sensei. haha)
**YEzz, I do have a fic about Gackt and Keanu Reeves....it vas creepy. O_O

TITLE: COMPLEX

AUTHOR: renovati

GENRE: Shounen-ai

PAIRING: Inoo/Chinen

SUMMARY: Chinen had never heard his idol’s name spoken in such a cold and dead manner.

DISCLAIMER: None of the boys are mine. Chinen is Inoo’s and Inoo is Chinen’s.

“Hm…and I was wondering what you were doing.”

Chinen gasped audibly, a ghastly noise of someone choking on air. It took him a full ten seconds to swallow the imaginary lump of shock on his suddenly dry throat and look over his diminutive shoulders.

There, leaning alongside his now open door: an occurrence he had not noticed at all: was the royal, lean figure of Kei Inoo. His long, slender arms were folded against his chest, half exposed by two unbuttoned flaps of his black shirt, an air of princely dominance and delight radiating from his lopsided grin. He was gorgeous, Chinen managed to affirm despite his properly horrified state.

“I-inooo?!” He thought his voice pathetically reeked of obvious astonishment.

Chinen’s hands wound to his back in one startled motion, desperately hiding the object of his indulgence under his pillow and flashing an awkward and he hoped, innocent smile. Inoo was weak when it comes to his smiles; Chinen knew that he could probably ask anything out of Inoo with just his smile for compensation.

Inoo’s eyebrow alarmingly shot up.

His smile, apparently, was not working as a proper distraction at the moment.

Oh, crap.

“You’re hiding something from me.”

“W-what are you doing here? Who let you in?”

Inoo unfolded his arms and stealthily walked over to the bed, softly closing the door behind him and sitting himself beside a jumpy Chinen. Strangely enough, Chinen felt tenser than time he confessed to the bastard who came without notice, but still a stunning bastard nonetheless.

“Your sister did.”

“She’s here?! I thought she went out with her friends?”

“Well, she’s here anyway. You’re obviously too occupied to notice.” Inoo moved closer, an arm wrapping around Chinen’s uptight shoulders.

Chinen unconsciously inclined his weight against Inoo’s embrace, his body enticed by the feel of Inoo’s lean chest like a moth to its ever revered fire, dreadfully losing to the devil’s enchantments, an impeccably sweet and inevitable lost.

It had already been two months since they last saw each other, Chinen had been doing shows with Yamada for the promotion of their new drama series and Inoo was busy with his studies. They satisfied themselves with calls and glimpses of each other in the television but-

Chinen gave up.

Inoo’s mild scent of mist and orange filled his mind, the heat from his body too real and his touch too much missed, he wrapped both his arms around the other boy’s torso. Inoo automatically shifted his position to better accommodate Chinen’s clumsy embrace.

Chinen’s small form fit perfectly under Inoo’s comparatively larger figure, like snuggling a teddy bear.

He felt Inoo inhale deeply, his body relaxing and, if his ears did not deceive him, an almost inaudible hmmm…

“What are you doing here?” Chinen asked, his breath ghosting over Inoo’s bare chest.

He felt the taller boy’s hold tighten. “I’ve reached my limit.”

“Hm.”

“You should have told me in advance, I could have…“ He shivered as Inoo’s large hands run through his hair.

“Could have?”

“Ah…cooked up something…or something.”

“Or something” Inoo repeated, a majestic smile gracing his face. “So what’s keeping you busy?”

AH.

Chinen felt Inoo’s left arm tightening around his back, locking him firmly pressed against his lover’s chest which he didn’t mind at the least but he put up a struggle as Inoo’s free hand reached around him and disappeared under his pillow.

It resurfaced, clutching a rectangular piece of shiny paper. Inoo scowled.

“Ohno-san?”

Chinen had never heard his idol’s name spoken in such a cold and dead manner.

“Ah…it’s not something to be mad a-about,” he stuttered, ineffably grateful that Inoo had not broken contact.

“It’s not something you should hide from me either.”

“You just surprised me, is all.”

“Huh.”

“Hey,” Chinen reached out to touch Inoo’s cheeks lightly.

“I’m not mad,” Inoo said firmly, in a tone that contradicted his words.

“Then stop pouting like a kid deprived of sweets.”

“Sweets? Deprived of you, ‘s more like it”

“Yeah, me,” he smiled at the comment.

“Imagine yourself coming from a shoot, without sleep, flying over to meet me after two months only to find me sprawled on my bed and looking with puppy eyes at…at Kota.”

Chinen did…and a sinking feeling ate at his stomach.

“Sono egao wo mamoru tame ni, inochi kaketemo~ kamawanai.”

“Are you singing to me, Chinen Yuri?” Inoo said in an endearing tone, a smile replacing the glower in his princely face.

“You know already.”

“What?”

“This.”

And Chinen hefted himself on his knees, exchanging Inoo’s hold with a chaste kiss he swiftly implanted upon his lover’s parted own.

“If it helps…ah, the picture of Ohno-kun was a gift. There’s a message and-“

Chinen felt himself heat up at the sight of Inoo flipping the picture, eyes darting fluidly from left to right, his face intent. He sharply observed for any sign, a twitch of the eyes, a pull on his lips, anything that might give away what the other boy might be thinking.

“Y-you told…him? Ohno-kun.” Inoo’s eyes stared at him blankly. “About us?”

“W-well. Yeah. I figured, he should know. I mean- The two of us are just like brother’s now aren’t we? And-“

“God Chinen…that’s so corny!”

“Cut it out INO!”

“Ha, ha. And to think Ohno-kun wrote a reply with his picture?”

“It was my request, so.”

“Ha, ha. You two are idiots.”

“Shut up. –thought you’d be happy. Thought it’d help you stop getting jealous over Oh-“

Chinen never got to finish what he was trying to say, his words were drowned with an audible Mmmph! as Inoo pulled his hair back, raising his face and shutting him up with a sloppy, passionate kiss. And then he kissed him a second time…a third….four…five….eleven more.

“Haa…does that mean you’re… not jealous?” Chinen managed to articulate between heavy breathings.

“It means I AM happy.”

“Really happy?”

“INCREDIBLY.”

They stared: a full minute of drinking in each other’s flushed, grinning faces and feeling awfully in love.

“Now it’s my turn to make you happy.”

“Huh?”

Inoo pulled a small blue envelope from his breast pocket and handed it to Chinen, inside was a picture of Ohno-kun holding a white board with a written Yo, Chinen. Wassup?

“Ohno-kun’s picture?”

“Crossed paths at the studio. Like it?”

Chinen beamed.

“More than me?”

Chinen shook his head violently.

“Good boy.”

And like in every story told before bedtime, the good kid, for his goodness, was granted his hefty reward.

TITLE: CHINEN THE BUD

GENRE: SHOUNEN-AI

PAIRING: CHINEN/INOO

Chinen is a bud.

Kei Inoo peered lazily through half slit eyes, in a process of feigning sleep, at the short boy with girlish features who was then struggling to memorize steps for the making of their new promotional video. He’d been doing it a lot despite himself, slumping in a corner whilst stealing critical and clandestine glances: possibly as far away as possible so that he remained unnoticed but not too far as to hide the subject of interest from his view.

Inoo fancied himself as a blunt and straight forward guy and he almost hated the way he kept gazing at his kouhai, like it was a crime, whenever he supposed no one was looking.

Almost.

That fact was that the pleasure and satisfaction of looking at Chinen greatly overwhelmed the horror of his unconditional and furtive staring. From the jet black, cotton-soft mop of hair on top of his small, shapely yet incredibly fine angled face sinfully looking as smooth as marble to the soles of his light, delicate feet; Chinen was a picture of a prepubescent Greek god.

Inoo was all for worship.

It was not the subject of thy staring being the SUBJECT which annoyed him, it was the staring. Inoo did not stare at people. He looked at them with the knowledge that anyone would definitely turn into a different shade at his sharp, piercing and undeniably steamy gaze. But he was vaguely aware that at the moment, he was the one turning into a different shade with the act of just staring at someone who was not even unaware.

It bothered him.

…but not so much that he’d stop staring.

Said prepubescent Greek god walked towards the water station looking puffed from all the dancing, Inoo shifted into a more comfortable position and in his mind, puffed and sexy took a whole new different kind of meaning. It was suddenly so confusing.

Like everything else that had gone awry, so, so confusing.

Chinen, to the rest of the JUMP was god sent, something no one has articulated because it was something everyone had not realized yet. All they knew was that the air was somewhat warmer, lighter and a tad bit brighter when he was around. It was given that his smile was astonishingly uplifting, no matter how depressed the moods, a glimpse of Chinen’s ridiculous childish grin made one abandon their misery…and everything else you can think of.

JUMP revered Chinen.

In an unspoken treaty with which honorable men are respected for, everyone knew that Chinen belonged to everybody.

Inoo knew this; he was one of them respectable men.

But for some reason, when he saw Yuuya’s arms snaked around Chinen’s perfectly slim and enticing waist from behind and raising him in a half-way suplex, Inoo wanted to hurt as many people as he could.

Selfish thoughts run through his head, something about not touching what was his and nose breaking.

He shut his eyes in pensive thought, as if trying to contain the shapeless and curiously zealous emotions welling up inside him, as if afraid that looking at the boy any longer might send his nerves in a mechanical dash across the space between them and lock the boy in a deadly embrace and/or perhaps break someone’s nose. Er.

He felt a muscle twitch.

Inoo desperately clutched the undersides of the chair to keep himself at bay.

It was, in a word, intoxicating, he mused.

He had never felt so poisoned before, so helpless under the effect of venom and so defiant of being freed from its bane.

Yes, Chinen was definitely a bud albeit a blooming one.

Such a dangerous, dangerous bud, the danger being that he was open for everyone to see.

Like all other blooming buds, it’s fragrance is delicately alluring, a scent not so pungent to the nose, a subtle, light and inexplicably addicting smell; petals slowly unfolding itself: a canopy of brightly colored wings. Inoo rarely used the word beautiful, but it was exactly what Chinen was and exactly how he perceived him to be. He had not kept track of when and how it started but one day it suddenly struck him, the fact that he could not and refuses to keep his eyes from his kouhai.

“-t’re you lookin’ at?!”

Inoo blinked and the next thing he knew, Morimoto’s grinning cat-like face filled his entire vision. He gave him that chilly stare he especially reserved to anyone who had the fortitude to disrupt the art of clandestine staring. He wondered if it was because he had been so into his silent yet sparkling Chinen homing thoughts or did Morimoto said that in a rather loud voice?

“Gaping like a fish, Ino-kun looked stupid,” Morimoto declared after a heart-felt laugh.

“Ha, ha,” Inoo brushed him off with a kind of laugh that anyone, but not Morimoto, would notice to be a whole new dimension of sarcasm. Had he looked carefully at Inoo’s face, he would have seen a thin aura of homicidal intent outlining his tall, lean figure.

Blink.

Er.

Chinen…was looking at their direction. No, he was looking directly at him. In defense from that piercing stare with which the boy fixed on him; Inoo shifted his gaze, the meaning behind the expression grazing the younger boy’s face lost in a blur of mortification. It felt curiously like the time when his sister caught him watching porn.

He channeled every bit of embarrassment hidden within every fiber of his body in to a death stare fixed upon Morimoto who suddenly became sensitive and who was now backing away from Inoo with an awkward half smile.

CAUGHT.

AGAIN.

GREAAAAT.

He picked that exact moment to stand up and walk over to Morimoto who was then pestering Kota’s sleep with spirals and a black pentel.

“Oi, leave him alone,” he struck him playfully on the back of his head and dragged the struggling kouhai towards the center of the rehearsal room. “Let’s practice.”

“What?! I’ve been practicing like hell, you were the one sleepin’ and starin’-”

Slap.

Laughter.

The day was lost to a confusion of dancing, laughter and exhaustion in the good ol’ JUMP fashion. By the end of the practice, Inoo felt a drop of sweat trickle down his back. He felt undeniably sexy with the shroud of heat emanating from his body especially, like anyone standing not more that ten centimeters from him would melt in a cheesy “kyaaa.” He knew he was sexy and prided himself for the enticing expressions he effortlessly projected in front of the camera.

He cast a final glance at the nine boys cooling down on the ground, his eyes automatically scanning for something that sparkled in his frame of vision before heading into the dressing room.

“Ino,”

Not long after his whole body became rigid at the sound of the voice that called out his name and realizing how close it sounded, Inoo automatically made a 180 degrees turn, his arms stretching out and enveloping the caller in an intoxicated embrace.

He buried his face on that jet black tousled, cotton-soft mop of hair and inhaled deeply: the smell of peaches and rain and an unbearable sweetness overwhelming his senses. He was too aware of where their bodies touched and how his flesh tingled at every contact.

Chinen let out a surprised and affectionate chuckle.

“Good,” he heard him say. He felt Chinen’s warm breath upon his bare chest as the boy said it. “I though you were angry. You haven’t talked to me the whole time.”

Inoo pulled back but making sure not to lose contact, “I was,” he stalled, searching his mind for an answer.

“Staring?” Chinen added helpfully.

Inoo was taken back but he didn’t deny it. He felt his face heat up and hoped to God it didn’t show.

It did.

“-was thinking how you shouldn’t be so touchy with Yuuya.”

“What? Jealous?”

“Am not.”

“It’s okay you know” Chinen whispered. “Staring, I mean.”

“Huh.”

“And kissing?” Inoo said in an undertone and a lazy smile.

“Yeah, kissing.” 

Chinen, who was already looking around to make sure no one was present,tilted his head upwards, his hands snaking around the taller boy’s neck.

And Inoo was just too happy to comply.

He was, as far as he was concerned, still quite the respectable man.

The unspoken treaty, after all, did not consider the idea of being loved back by the subject of interest. He’s conscience was as clean as the morning dew.

- - - - -

COmments are love. ^^ Thiz vas made during my addictioun for Your Seed vich haz not actually vanished. I hav not yet fully grasped Chinen and Inoo's perzonalitee zo~ Need guidance. -___-

WOW. How do I put it? Lately I’ve been eating too much, like, double the serving I usually do. The thought was disturbing especially when my friend suggested that maybe I have worms thriving in my gut which seriously scared the hell out of me. Heh heh. But I convinced myself that considering the drudgery I’m going through now, my body must definitely just trying to compensate for the energy exhausted in going back and forth to Valenzuela for our research and working out the event of PNU-NAMI plus the accumulated stress of work loads and that frustration of not being able to read yaoi manga. DAMMIT ALL!

I’m currently going through a LARUKU therapy. Thanks to Mariz-sempai for giving me the THEATER of KISS. MY ODA! Laruku’s just so friggin amazing; the intensity of their performance is bleeding from my laptop and seeping into my veins, flowing to my heart and to through my lungs: I’m getting asphyxiated from the awesomeness of it all!  Shit. I’m getting goose bumps already. And again it reminds me of why, just why LARUKU cannot be replaced in my heart.

“Good morning Mr. Fear”

Tanabata Festival is finally over and we managed to pull through. Although a lot of problems arose most of which were unsuspected, of course they were. But we gave it our best, we may still be groping in the dark in managing such events but we’re getting the hang of it. Surely, next year will be much much better and hopefully, we’ll make the people happier too. We only wish to give them great entertainment, to make everyone as otaku and as fanatics of the J-culture as us to be united and share our joy in finally being accredited. In a way the event was a tribute to all PNUans as well, because our goal is to ultimately make them appreciate the beauty of what we love and show them that there is something being awfully neglected, anime is not just a bunch of moving windows with sounds, more than that: its art, and not just something only kids watch. It was an experience they will never forget, something they never knew existed. It’s not like a completely different world, we’re all in the same boat, all living in that same space but they’re just looking at a different direction away from us. We co-exist.

When I arrived at school from Valenzuela and was greeted by an ocean of colorful costumes overwhelming the green grass of the open field, I couldn’t help but smile. Yes, these people and I are the same. Damn, was I happy? They were walking around, sitting, sleeping, chasing each other, singing songs and posing and everything was just so magical.

I made lots of friends! Most of them I got from roaming around with a gold painted box ornamented with the Mugiwara skull clutched under my left arm and a set of WANTED MUGIWARA POSTER on the other shouting “MINNA! Would you be interested in trying the ULTIMATE ONE PIECE FAN CHALLENGE?!” Haha. I practically met everyone in the event doing that. O_O First and foremost, I made that game to befriend other One Piece fans like me (coz someday, when a downpour sinks the world, we’re going to have to make our own fleet and sail the seas), to tickle their urge and possibly make others watch the damn thing and to make my own nakamas be reminded that just because they’re updated doesn’t mean that they have to forget what happened in the previous chapters coz they are definitely as important as chapter 540 and the following more.

Next thing I knew, everyone was calling me ‘Ate One Piece” (which felt good but I felt undeserving of the title, One Piece is like…holy to me, sacred even and must not be used to brand mortals like me, BLASPHEMY), taking my pictures and my number and my e-mail, friendster, multiply and -???!!! Haha. Like I said, I made a lot of friends. X3  I was reluctant to give them anything at first but they would not let it go, no malice included and it was an opportunity to make more friends, like hell I’d rather make them friends than adversaries. Everybody was too nice, I’m just thankful that a lot of people took the time to try it and accepted the challenge in good will. It was an embarrassing task, one I am willing to undertake for the name of One Piece.

And damn! I finally get to meet the vocalist of JAPANESE BABY! Haha, of course I got his name and shook his hand! XD Nostalgic! He even introduced me to the vocalist of Do’Ahou which was doubly friggin spectacular, and yes of course I shook his hand too! Lolls.

I also met with the Kuroshitsuji family, my family I guess and I think they’re growing on me. n_n It felt so good to be called out, I was afraid they wouldn’t even notice and greet me T-T, not because I think them of the sort to do so but because I felt crappy and unworthy  of their attention and just plain…well, uh…plain. Because those guys were so loveably cool and serenely awesome and I was wearing our university P.E shirt! I met with the new members of the shoot and I’m getting excited!

Of course, on behalf of all the PNU-NAMI, we would like to thank everyone who attended, to our sponsors, cosplayers, trippers and everyone who came to be surrounded by all that jazz. I also ask forgiveness for the mistakes we made and to others still who were upset by something we have done. I, personally, accept all criticisms with a strengthened heart, not something to be scornful for but as a challenge.

Most of all, thank you to our sempai who returned just to help out, we couldn’t have made it without them. T-T I lurves you guys.

-         - - - -

Saa, after being completely drained, I went straight to my beloved friend and fellow One Piece nakama birthday celebration, met with my other nakamas and left immediately after eating because I felt so dead tired already. I didn’t go home yet though, I went to the nearby net café and read the One Piece update.

 

Yes, the perfect ending for that day.

I slept, forgetting to brush my teeth and change, but I slept with a smile.

OH! And thank you to these guys for making my day ten times better! I love them so much. “Kuya,” I said. “Yaoi naman.”

“Ah…okay.”

Wow. They’re so…generous?! Haha. I must definitely see them again!

ONE PIECE

Of course I have to start this entry with the gravest of all matters which is that soul crushing spoiler of One Piece. The statement may have not been specific or a detailed description of any particular event but it was a spoiler all the same: that unfortunate morning I received a text from K – “payong pirata lang, nakakalungkot ang update ng wampis” or something like that and by afternoon I received a similar pm from R… Right then, I knew. The fact that something solemn was going to happen gave everything away. Even before they reached Level 6, I was already telling my sister that BON-chan if not BOA would most likely be the new nakama (like she also believed) if not, I fear that Oda-sensei might kill the poor okama or do something unbearable to him. That was the only option I could think of obliterating Bon-chan as the candidate since he’s done so much for Luffy-san that outdoing his saving rubber boy’s life and his place in the crew was unthinkable. When I read the update which started happily enough, I was already looking for a glimpse of Bon-chan which could not be found in the panels, everyone was celebrating and I could not feel it since I was excruciatingly anticipating something painful and heart-wrenching. It was horrible. The spoiler may not have been specific, yes, but it gave away the most important part of the update, of the images sequenced in every page which is the emotions that’d radiate from me.

And I can’t even hate them or the world because I know that they meant me no harm. Though I couldn’t help myself but to text them on exactly how I feel and begged them not to do it again to which R replied: “O sige, hindi na ko magtetext kim” –that hurt a bit and I felt like I’ve done something wrong, I wanted to apologize to them but figured it’d betray my stand.

Sometimes, when I’m traveling on my own, riding the bus on my way home and looking through the night breathed glass window of the bus with Dear Friends playing in the background…I’d think of Merry, of how she struggled to carry everyone on her wounded back, on how much she was aware of their impending separation and of her struggle in saving the crew, the faces of Luffy and the gang as they watch her burn gloriously that cold day…and I’d cry.

I fear that they may think “Naay, anu ba yan, parang yun lang.” I don’t know how to make them realize how much OP means to me. What I feel for it cannot be justified by words and when you have something else you deem significant you tend to go blind, you tend to compare and discriminate. Like those people who rally on he streets and think of people who like me as adults who can’t outgrow the kid inside them, those who think that I should be doing something more significant than reading manga and listening to songs I don’t understand.

E

E’s pregnant. Haha. I love her so much, I used to look down on unwanted pregnancy but I’ve gotten over that years ago. She seemed happy enough. Maybe she was shocked at first, scared even but after being honest telling the truth to her parents I’m sure it alleviated that shitty burden on her back and made her love the baby and herself more. I immediately took the initiative in being one of the godmothers. Bohaha. Needless to say, as my best friend she must know my evil and beautiful plans I have for her…dan-dan-dan-dan, SON. I’m making him UKE or SEME depending on the name. Yes, that’s how much one’s name bear upon its owner, a fact that people overlooks. Just like in Brisingr, a name is so powerful it practically determines how you’d be in life, outlook and personality. But I’ve been so ridden up these past weeks that I can’t even find the time to visit her, maybe next week then. GOD how I want a child!!!! Hehe. I always tell my parents how much I want to have my on child and they brush it off with a smile and a ‘wag muna’ said in a tone that suspiciously seemed like fear. Lol.

But seriously, congratulations E! The baby is mine to pollute. *fufufufufufu*

J

Ah, this’ll probably take a whole entry: something that’ll have to wait till later since I’m only making this as a hasty and forced update WHICH I wouldn’t want to be the case in this particular entry so this’d have to be delayed.

In fact, I have a long exam tomorrow and I stopped reading my notes half way through the entire content and amazingly, I don’t feel the pressure. I remember my sister telling me that pressure comes from disbelief in one’s ability. I guess I’m just confident I’ll pass. Yes, I’ll pass. I’ve stopped caring about being on top since mom and dad broke up and I’ve quickly gotten over my power intoxication in my freshmen days. Though I have made a pact with myself to redouble my efforts upon working, need plenty of treasure for my child! YEAH!

<--Wants a child so bad

GRAY

I love the mutt. She’s so adorably stupid: the way she looks over her large, fat trunk to take a glimpse at me as I read over my notes, as if calling upon me to come over and caress her to which I always lose to. Like a cat, she makes it a habit to rub her whole body on my legs and because she’s so friggin huge, I waver and stumble. Gray looks up at the sky when an airplane passes, loses to a white cock my neighbor owns and eats veggies. She wags her tail violently upon hearing her name and mine and any of the family’s and never fails to welcome you home upon hearing the gate open. When I study at night (which I rarely do, O_O) she stays up and sit down beside me as if watching over her master. She likes to take baths and barks at people we dislike and people we like outside the house but dotes on them when inside.

When people ask me if I love dogs, I answer no. I only love our dog. X333

 Caballeros

But recently I found out I’m a sucker for puppies just as I’m a sucker for kids. Hehe. Last week, my gang (children ages 5 below in the neighborhood) was so untamed and crazy and tumultuous that everyone playing bingo was beginning to get annoyed.

“GUYS! Wag kayong maingay! Mga ninja tayo!”

They fell silent and looked at me with those big puppy eyes. I was starting to think they didn’t even know what the damn word meant when they suddenly burst out happily “NINJA TAYO?!”

Haha. So cute, these guys. “Tama! Kaya wag kayong maingay. Shh… sundan nyo ko.”

Then we started walking on tiptoes and talking in hushed voices after which we leaned flat against the wall with our back, arms spread apart and spanned the length of it like tom cruise on the windowsill of a 100^th floor building.

Apparently, these guys are the only people I discuss about Zorro with, although our conversation is limited to “Ang galing ni Zorro!!!” “Ako rin si Zorro!” “Ikaw ang kalaban!” “Nasaksak si Zorro!” Zorro that and this. Lol.

Miang is a rowdy little gurl who looked like me when I was in the same age, she’s loud and talks like you’re a mile away: PIERCING.

Sandra, Miang’s big sister who seemed quite mature for her age, she sees to it that her siblings listen to their mum and shares everything she has with them.

Alexis, their little brother which is my ‘inaanak’, a handsome little kid with a melancholy face. He’s so little I could gobble him up, a kid who, despite his young age, is very respectful to his elders and though shy, always come bouncing to me whilst shouting, “Naaaaang!”

And Joshua, our cousin, pretty, spoiled but adorable all the same. He always fights with Miang and they always end up beating each other usually over who gets to sit next to me. But he’s a sweet kid when he’s in the mood and he’s the number 1 Zorro fan among us.

 (Oh yeah, we've recently purchased GLOBE TATTOO, internet prepaid so I'm doin this thing at home. XDDD Connection sucks though, not all the time, most of the time yes)

Journal not being abandoned.

Owner busy at the moment and half-dead.

Feet undergoing necrosis.

Mind filled with dirty thoughts.

Sexuall yaoi frustrated.

Toxic.

Thrash entry.

O_O

Kruvz Sama-Summer 09

Well, the day I’ve been agonizing over has come and went: that sweet and excruciating anticipation and waiting for the Kruvz Sama-Summer 09. Needless to say, with the presence of my beloved friends and our beloved adviser/mother/buddy, it was orgasmic bliss in full blast. Almost half of the class was able to come and that’s saying something considering that it was a night swimming. A friend of mine from the same batch and different section was amazed at how tight we, 4-Kruvz, still are when they on the other hand no longer have contacts with each other. He was more amazed at the fact that we do this thing at least twice a year, one for the X’mas party/ Year ender party and the Summer Outing with a complete program of games and awardings and props. What amazed him the most is that almost 4 years after graduation we are still intact with out mother adviser.

I am teeming with love at the moment. Ten minutes into our ride to Volets Resort my facial muscles started to hurt like crazy from smiling and laughing.

*I tied with Rems for the PINAKA MALASWA award but we decided to make Remond the winner coz he was both PHYSICALLY and MENTALLY MALASWA. DAMN! Haha. What? I don’t look perverted enough? Yeah, I remember M-chan telling me that no one could ever suspect me of being perverted just by looking. I don’t even know if she was complementing or not but it made me happy all the same.

*Everyone (boys Kruvz) was bitter about A (B’s boyfriend) coming along with B. It was scary coz the moment we let A out of our sight might mean his next appearance as a cold carcass afloat the pool.

*Mother Ina M.Ang told us about her love predicament. Russel over Robert? MAN! Haba ng hair ni mam. Haha. She loves Russel so we root for the guy. That’s the only answer she’ll ever need.

*We might go for Kalipayan resort next summer.

*Ailo! PASOK KA SA PINOY KIDDIE POOL PLAYGROUND OBSTACLE COURSE RECORDS! He beat us all with a record of 19 seconds. The fucking obstacle course gave me three bruises and I finished it at 47 seconds which is a major loser record.

*Special participation of A, Jordan and Jes’ girlfriend, Cess.

*Mam Ang was awarded the Inang Mother award that is both a trophy and a dedication note which was received cordially and repaid by a beautiful beautiful smile and a loving speech. We love you too mother.

*Did I mention I’m teeming with love at the moment? I am teeming with love at the moment.

NIROU

Nirou is my junior who walks around with a headphone over his head just like me which means that he is my brother and even more so of a family now that he has become a nakama: a One Piece enthusiast, no, lover, which makes us totally friends! I’ve already mentioned him in my other entries before and only now have I been given a chance to get to know him better. I thought he had at least one otaku friend in the class but apparently he doesn’t. He didn’t strike me as the loner type so I was surprised at knowing that he was a bit awkward in their class. It was sad, not having anyone to talk about the things you like, having this overwhelming compassion swelling in your heart with no way of venting. He was just like my sister. I on the other hand am too blessed; we have a pirate crew within the KruVz with whom I engage in forums every time we get the chance and have PNU-NAMI at school. I’m trying my best to convince him to join the organization and let loose the otakuness inside him but he’s still thinking about it, hope he joins though. It’d be like a sanctuary to him. I mean, that’s the main purpose of the org, to cater to the needs of the enthusiasts, to make them feel that they belong, a place where they can relax, learn, talk freely and be their self.

ONE PIECE

During the Kruvz Sama-Summer 09, we had the usual tradition of discussing everything One Piece and we have reached the conclusion that ODA-sensei is friggin Godly; he is the master and genius incarnate. ßa conclusion we always reach at every forum

Jek

I knew it all along. When K told me that he was bringing along someone for me to meet on May 30, something told me that it would be Jek. What gave the secret away was that she mentioned about meeting up with R and W too with the reason that their house was near or something but I knew it was so because the person she’d be bringing along is Jek. I mean, we’re like the friggin original quartet??? The Ken, Aya, Omi and Yoji?

Of course I’m definitely Ken! Although I should be Omi who is the most feminine…but I’m anything BUT feminine? I can be Yoji since he’s perverted but Jek is as just as perverted and AHA! W should be Omi since he’s gay! Then who’s Aya? R can’t be AYA! But I’m KEN! get back to the topic DUFUS!

I don’t know how to deal with him. I don’t even know why I’m being bothered by this. ---Should just meet up and chat or something…what about? Man, I’m such a loser.

I’ve just realized that what I have is a Krona-complex. Sucks.

U

I had a heart to heart chat with U. He told me about his loveeeeee life and it was beautiful and secret so I’m not going to let anything be written here but! I am, as usual jealous and kind of hateful towards the girl for what she’s doing to my friend who is so dear to me. He wanted me to tell him mine but I told him I’ve nothing to relate yet. It was a delicate conversation coz we’ve never had this kind of talk before, it was so intimate and new, I felt our connection growing and it made me happy. I saw myself in him when he told me that he wanted to find someone to love and to love that person forever. We both knew that it was a kiss to the moon. We both knew that reality is trying to have a relationship with someone even if you don’t passionately love the person, try to make things work and hopefully fall madly in love with the person: it was trial and error. The idea sickened me. I’m so old school I’d prolly end up like M.B! NOOOO! I’m giving myself a limit of up to the age of 24 to fall madly in love! ß??? Seriously panicking.  

But he asked me a very interesting question which I don’t remember anyone asking me before.

 “Mahilig ka ba talaga sa mga gays?”

NICE ONE!

But no. Not really. Israel was just special and he was the only one I’ve ever fallen for so I can’t say that I go for gays all the time. Yeah, Israel is gay.

June 1 & 2, 2009

11:sumthing to 3:sumthin

We had a phone conference, Keny (mod), Rems and I courtesy of GLOBE UNLICALLS NYT. Unfortunately, only the three to us were able to that night/morning coz the thing was not scheduled and I guess everyone was already asleep but damn we did it and did it good for almost 4 hours which is why my head hurts at the moment: waking up at 6. And I think I have to teach this dance for the meeting later, haha, good luck with that creep.

I love them greatly. Man. We reminisced all night long and everyone was so vulnerable and soft and in love last night, I don’t know if it was the rain or the cold that made us so.

“When I became one of you guys during third year and fourth year was when my high school life became beautiful.”

“When I was in high school, I used to disbelieve adults telling me that it’d be the happiest time of my life but now that we’re apart, I look back at the times we were together and think to myself that, yeah, high school definitely was the happiest time of my life.”

“During graduation, I was so gonna cry but managed to hold back the tears.”

“I expected myself to cry over graduation but everyone was smiling and laughing and found myself doing the same.”

“We used to dislike taking pictures in public but now, every time we meet up we take lots wherever we may be because we’re hungry to still the moment every time we get the chance to come together.”

“One of the happiest days of my life was when you sang that Linkin Park song with Paul. Haha.”

“I’m thankful for our crowd, coz we’re decent, although very perverted, and we’re decent and clean and crazy all the same.”

“I only get facial cramps from smiling and laughing too much with you guys. That thing doesn’t happen to me at school and I have this special kind of laugh, a crazy almost uncontrolled kind of laugh that’s exclusive for when we’re together.

“I’m so fortunate to have met you guys.”

“I tell everyone that they will meet up with their true friends during high school but they question me because they didn’t. I don’t know about them but that was the time I met you guys and started to think that true friends appear at high school.”

“Panong Christamas Party, san tayo?”

“Kina Allen kaya? O kaya Tagaytay?”

“Mga pre, ang aga pa. June palang.”

“Kita-kits tayo kina Allen sa Sabado?”

“What time? 5?”

“E di 4 na, pag 5 six tayo dadating.”

“Sige 4 pero 5 ako dadating ah.”

“Sige ako din.”

“Guys, tumatanda na tayo, haha. Syet.”

“HAHA, mas bata ako sa inyo.”

“Tae mo.”

“Kenny, virgin ka pa?”

“Putragis”

When they asked me if I’m in love right now, I should have answered YES, I am and YES, with them. *sigh*

ßteeming with love

Things can never go wrong with these guys. So I guess that’s it. That drama about them I kept agonizing over, I can outgrow that now. I’m equipped with all the love I need. That’s all I needed to begin with and prolly had it in the very beginning anyways. I should have trusted them more to feel the same way about me and the KRUVZ instead of writhing in the dark.

They’re like my big One Piece family.

Crazy people kruvz. Jes (in pink) looks retarded.